Today I went onto Upwork, the online platform and mobile app that connects freelancers with clients. I saw interesting jobs which fits my skill sets, so I spent almost 3 hours updating my freelancer's profile, and then started looking up possible projects to take on.
The moment I clicked sent on my first application, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of regret. Is this how David felt after counting his fighting men?
"David was conscience-stricken after he had counted the fighting men, and he said to the Lord, “I have sinned greatly in what I have done. Now, Lord, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing." (II Samuel 24:10, NIV)
Of course there was nothing wrong for students like me to work part-time and earn their keep. The problem was what my actions revealed about the condition of my heart -- in whom or what do I trust?
At the beginning of the term, I was deciding on whether to take on an extra course which will leave me with less time to do much of anything else. My wise housemate told me that it is a blessing if I could focus on my studies for once, and take a break from work. I knew then that she was right. God has been providing like He always did so I could focus on my studies and ponder about questions with clarity of mind, undistracted by worries of work. It is a blessing to be cherished. Besides, it is only my first term, too early to worry.
So after praying, I proceeded as planned. For 6 weeks I had the peace in my heart, focus in my mind, and clarity in thought to pursue my dialogues with God with an ease that I could not attain while I was working. I truly enjoyed my studies.
But on my 7th week of pristine bliss, I took my blessed state for granted and allowed myself to worry about finding work to "save up for the long haul". Just because everyone else seems to be working part-time, and I felt I should do the same. So instead of working on my History readings like I should be doing, I wasted 3 hours of my peacefulness on getting myself back on a treadmill.
As soon as I sent in the application, I almost hear my peace got instantly drowned out by the noise in my distracted head. Will I have enough time? How often do I need to check my emails? What if what should what must what could I do do do? It was laughable.
I have two priorities this season. The first is to study and sort out my questions the way I could not do before. The second is a task I asked God for - transcribing and editing my father's sermons. I was quick to neglect both duties to find work I do not need just because I was insecure and wanted a sense of control. Like David, I counted my men and thought of gathering more. Imagine my horror to discover that in doing so, I would lose the security I already had in the complete trustworthiness of God! Oh the trade-off was painful!
Thankfully, God in His humour was was quick to assure me of my absolution (through the Lent liturgy at Chapel today, how apt). He even assured me that I had not called a curse upon myself like David did. Thanks to what Christ has done, I got away with a gentle reminder and a precious lesson that my one heart could not put its trust in two things. The nature of trust is wholeheartedness, and the reward of trusting God is sweet.
So now, having withdrew my application for the job, I can return to my state of blissful trust, until the next storm comes again to train me for steadfastness.
Image: Resilient winter blossoms